Wright-isms
If you're not familiar with the works of Steven Wright, he's the famous erudite scientist who once  said: "I woke up one morning and all of my  stuff  had been stolen... and replaced by exact   Duplicates!" His mind tends to see things a bit differently than the rest of us mortals. Here are   some of his gems:

    1- I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

    2- Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

    3- Half the people you know are below average.

    4- 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

    5- 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

    6- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

    7- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

    8- If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

    9- All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

    10- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the
cheese.

    11- I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

    12- OK, so what's the speed of dark?

    13- How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

    14- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

    15- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

    16- When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

    17- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

    18- Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

    19- I intend to live forever; so far, so good.

    20- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

    21- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

    22- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

    23- My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

    24- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

    25- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

    26- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

    27- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

    28- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

    29- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

    30- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

    31- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

    32- The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

    33- Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.